Funny Jokes
Kasal
Padre: ikaw lalake ang haligi ng tahanan at ikaw naman babae ang ilaw ng tahanan.
"Eh, padre ano ako." Sino ka ba? "biyenan" ikaw ang anay ng tahanan
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Lolo bagong kasal sa sexy
Sexy: Ano honey kaya mo ba?
Lolo: raises five fingers
Sexy: lima? Kaya mo pa limang beses?
Lolo: hindi, pili ka alin daliri!
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Husband: hon, forgive me! naki pag sex ako kay mare for 500 pesos!
Wife: ano! walanghiya ka! nagbayad ka pa! si pare nga libre lang sa akin.
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Husband: honey mag-impake ka na! nanalo ako sa lotto.
Wife: wow! anong dadalhin ko?
Husband: wala akong paki alam, basta lumayas ka!
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A Good wyf wud say "kain na tayo mahal" A Better wyf wud say
"kainin mo ako mahal" The Best wyf wud say "pakain ng sayo
mahal"
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Hus: hon malapit nako, mtgal ka pa ba?
Wyf:hintyin mo nako, malapit na rin ako.
Hus:yan na lalabas naaaah.
Wyf:walanghiya ka, bat sa labas k tumae?
Hus:tagal mo kasi sa cr.
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Stages of Marriage:
Yr1: man goes home, wife gives slippers & dog barks.
Yr2:man goes home, dog gives slippers and wife barks.
Yr3: at home man and wife barks, slippers hit dog!
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A woman is astonished 2 be carried by her hubby who arrived from church, he was never sweet 2 her.
Wife: Did the priest tell you 2 do this?
Man: yes, told me 2 carry my cross.
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Couple having sex:
wife: nasasaktan ako ANSELMO ummh! husband: tang-ina! sinong ANSELMO ang tawag mo?
wife: ulol! sabi ko ang cel mo nasa pwet ko,masakit.
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Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong "pick-up girl", (pagkita kay Mr.)
Hi, pogi, available ako ngayon.
Mister: Ayoko sa iyo kamukha mo misis ko".
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Nasa bundok ka nahulog cel mo at asawa mo, anong gagawin mo? magpakatotoo ka,
sagipin mo cel mo at isigaw mo sa asawo mo text na lang kitaaaaaa'
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Best husbands: Panadero - masarap lumamutak. Hinente - magaling
pumatong. Catcher - palaging pasok sa butas. Karpintero - mahusay
sa pukpukan. Texter - gusto laging fingeran.
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WIFE: I'm warning you, darating na mister ko within 1 hour.
VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginagawang masama a!
WIFE: Yon nga, kung may plano ka, dalian mo!
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An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
'Anong ginagawa niyo?!?' he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'Sabi ko sa yo tanga asawa ko eh'
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MR: Labs, bakit ka umiiyak?
MRS: Nagseselos kasi ako sa bagong cellphone mo.
MR: Bakit naman?
MRS: Kasi may ibang libangan na ang daliri mo.
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STAGES OF MARRIAGE:
Year 1: Man goes home, wife gives slippers and the dog barks.
Year 2: Man goes home, dog gives slippers and wife barks.
Year 3: At home, man and wife barks. SLIPPERS HIT DOG!
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WIFE: Labs, kain na. I'm ready.
HUSBAND: Busog pa ako eh.
WIFE: Hindi food ibig kong sabihen. Yung aken.
HUSBAND: Kaya nga, busog pa ko. Birthday ng secretary ko, Nagpakain siya
kanina.
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Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
W - washing
I - ironing
F - food
E - entertainment
FREE of CHARGE!
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Wyf: Alam mo pagkatapos kong maglaba naalala kita.
Husband: Bakit?
Wyf: Pagkapos kong mamalantsa, naalala kita. Pagkatapos kong magluto, naalala pa rin kita. Hudas ka! Dapat, ikaw ang gumagawa nito, eh.
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Take care of urself, eat on tym, tk ur vit, exercise, ligo k, kain k gulay n fruits, wag paulan at puyat. ingat pgtawid yoko mapahamak k mbabawasan fans ko.
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Sum1 misses u, needs u, worries abt u, lonely w/o u, gues who? malay ko, basta grit lang kita ng gud pm.
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Last night i dreamt of U. this morning my first thought was U. im thinking of U right now and til i go to bed tonight. bukas I'll thik of V naman.
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Admiration when lost, can find a new one, feelings when gone, may never come back, trust when broken, may baby ka na!
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When i was lost u were there, wen i was down, you were there, wen i was brokenhearted, u were there, when i got sick u were there... aba! di kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko!
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If you're wet and hot and you're alone and your rum and u nid someone who will respond with your body heat, just call me. with my breathtaking style and the power of my hands. . . papaypayan kita.
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Gabi-gabi hindi ako makatulog. Lagi-lagi kitang iniisip. Iisa lang ang ipinagdarasal ko pagkagat ng dilim. Sana... Huwag ka nang pupunta rito, peste kang magnanakaw ka!
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Kiss is a gamble. Sex is a gamble. Boys do the action and girls get the blame. They say you're pretty, they say you're fine. But 9 months later, they say "It's not mine".
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Noong hindi pa tayo nagkikita, napapaginipan palagi kita. Ngayong nagkita tayo, hindi na ako makatulog. Binabangunugot na ako dahil sa iyo.
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Flash News:
Batman luking 4 erap. According to batman, it is because erap walk like a penguin & thinks like a joker.
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News Flash:
Lucio Tan rejected plans of her daughter to marry a wealthy business named Albert Canto, coz he does not like the title of the occasion CANTO-TAN wedding.
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News Update:
Three rebel leaders were killed. They are Abu Sado, Abu Rido and Abu Kado... They are now looking for Abu Loy. Abu Nohan mo muna, pwede?
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Newsflash:
Sa pakikipagtulungan ng DILG at Jollibee, nasugpo ang isang malaking sindikatong mga droga! Sinunog nila ang lahat ng nasamsam nila at tinawag nila ang proyekto ng OPLAN: Langhap Sarap!
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Newsflash:
Gagawa rin ng pelikula sina Vince Hizon at Porky Pig ng animated na pelikula tulad ng ginawa ni Michael Jordan at Bugs Bunny na Space Jam. Ang titulo ng pelikula nila ay Pork and Vince.
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