Funny "ENGLISH" around the WORLD!
Some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
Funny Jokes
Kasal
Padre: ikaw lalake ang haligi ng tahanan at ikaw naman babae ang ilaw ng tahanan.
"Eh, padre ano ako." Sino ka ba? "biyenan" ikaw ang anay ng tahanan
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Lolo bagong kasal sa sexy
Sexy: Ano honey kaya mo ba?
Lolo: raises five fingers
Sexy: lima? Kaya mo pa limang beses?
Lolo: hindi, pili ka alin daliri!
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Husband: hon, forgive me! naki pag sex ako kay mare for 500 pesos!
Wife: ano! walanghiya ka! nagbayad ka pa! si pare nga libre lang sa akin.
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Husband: honey mag-impake ka na! nanalo ako sa lotto.
Wife: wow! anong dadalhin ko?
Husband: wala akong paki alam, basta lumayas ka!
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A Good wyf wud say "kain na tayo mahal" A Better wyf wud say
"kainin mo ako mahal" The Best wyf wud say "pakain ng sayo
mahal"
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Hus: hon malapit nako, mtgal ka pa ba?
Wyf:hintyin mo nako, malapit na rin ako.
Hus:yan na lalabas naaaah.
Wyf:walanghiya ka, bat sa labas k tumae?
Hus:tagal mo kasi sa cr.
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Stages of Marriage:
Yr1: man goes home, wife gives slippers & dog barks.
Yr2:man goes home, dog gives slippers and wife barks.
Yr3: at home man and wife barks, slippers hit dog!
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A woman is astonished 2 be carried by her hubby who arrived from church, he was never sweet 2 her.
Wife: Did the priest tell you 2 do this?
Man: yes, told me 2 carry my cross.
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Couple having sex:
wife: nasasaktan ako ANSELMO ummh! husband: tang-ina! sinong ANSELMO ang tawag mo?
wife: ulol! sabi ko ang cel mo nasa pwet ko,masakit.
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Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong "pick-up girl", (pagkita kay Mr.)
Hi, pogi, available ako ngayon.
Mister: Ayoko sa iyo kamukha mo misis ko".
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Nasa bundok ka nahulog cel mo at asawa mo, anong gagawin mo? magpakatotoo ka,
sagipin mo cel mo at isigaw mo sa asawo mo text na lang kitaaaaaa'
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Best husbands: Panadero - masarap lumamutak. Hinente - magaling
pumatong. Catcher - palaging pasok sa butas. Karpintero - mahusay
sa pukpukan. Texter - gusto laging fingeran.
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WIFE: I'm warning you, darating na mister ko within 1 hour.
VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginagawang masama a!
WIFE: Yon nga, kung may plano ka, dalian mo!
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An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
'Anong ginagawa niyo?!?' he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'Sabi ko sa yo tanga asawa ko eh'
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MR: Labs, bakit ka umiiyak?
MRS: Nagseselos kasi ako sa bagong cellphone mo.
MR: Bakit naman?
MRS: Kasi may ibang libangan na ang daliri mo.
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STAGES OF MARRIAGE:
Year 1: Man goes home, wife gives slippers and the dog barks.
Year 2: Man goes home, dog gives slippers and wife barks.
Year 3: At home, man and wife barks. SLIPPERS HIT DOG!
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WIFE: Labs, kain na. I'm ready.
HUSBAND: Busog pa ako eh.
WIFE: Hindi food ibig kong sabihen. Yung aken.
HUSBAND: Kaya nga, busog pa ko. Birthday ng secretary ko, Nagpakain siya
kanina.
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Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
W - washing
I - ironing
F - food
E - entertainment
FREE of CHARGE!
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Wyf: Alam mo pagkatapos kong maglaba naalala kita.
Husband: Bakit?
Wyf: Pagkapos kong mamalantsa, naalala kita. Pagkatapos kong magluto, naalala pa rin kita. Hudas ka! Dapat, ikaw ang gumagawa nito, eh.
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Take care of urself, eat on tym, tk ur vit, exercise, ligo k, kain k gulay n fruits, wag paulan at puyat. ingat pgtawid yoko mapahamak k mbabawasan fans ko.
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Sum1 misses u, needs u, worries abt u, lonely w/o u, gues who? malay ko, basta grit lang kita ng gud pm.
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Last night i dreamt of U. this morning my first thought was U. im thinking of U right now and til i go to bed tonight. bukas I'll thik of V naman.
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Admiration when lost, can find a new one, feelings when gone, may never come back, trust when broken, may baby ka na!
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When i was lost u were there, wen i was down, you were there, wen i was brokenhearted, u were there, when i got sick u were there... aba! di kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko!
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If you're wet and hot and you're alone and your rum and u nid someone who will respond with your body heat, just call me. with my breathtaking style and the power of my hands. . . papaypayan kita.
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Gabi-gabi hindi ako makatulog. Lagi-lagi kitang iniisip. Iisa lang ang ipinagdarasal ko pagkagat ng dilim. Sana... Huwag ka nang pupunta rito, peste kang magnanakaw ka!
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Kiss is a gamble. Sex is a gamble. Boys do the action and girls get the blame. They say you're pretty, they say you're fine. But 9 months later, they say "It's not mine".
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Noong hindi pa tayo nagkikita, napapaginipan palagi kita. Ngayong nagkita tayo, hindi na ako makatulog. Binabangunugot na ako dahil sa iyo.
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Flash News:
Batman luking 4 erap. According to batman, it is because erap walk like a penguin & thinks like a joker.
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News Flash:
Lucio Tan rejected plans of her daughter to marry a wealthy business named Albert Canto, coz he does not like the title of the occasion CANTO-TAN wedding.
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News Update:
Three rebel leaders were killed. They are Abu Sado, Abu Rido and Abu Kado... They are now looking for Abu Loy. Abu Nohan mo muna, pwede?
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Newsflash:
Sa pakikipagtulungan ng DILG at Jollibee, nasugpo ang isang malaking sindikatong mga droga! Sinunog nila ang lahat ng nasamsam nila at tinawag nila ang proyekto ng OPLAN: Langhap Sarap!
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Newsflash:
Gagawa rin ng pelikula sina Vince Hizon at Porky Pig ng animated na pelikula tulad ng ginawa ni Michael Jordan at Bugs Bunny na Space Jam. Ang titulo ng pelikula nila ay Pork and Vince.
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Text Jokes
NBI Clearance Applicant: Sir available na ba clearance ko??
NBI: Followup mo na lang after 5 days may kapangalan ka kasi eh
Applicant: Huh?? sino?? ano pangalan???
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Love starts with a smile...
Grows with a kiss..
Ends with tears...
Yun lang!!!
ano pa gusto mo??
may sex tapos magkakababy pa??
Ugali mo talaga!!! wag ganun!!! hehehehe...
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
Girl: tikman mo itong cake masarap!! gawa ng nanay ko
Boy: ikaw na lang titikman ko!! tutal gawa ka rin naman ng nanay mo
hehehe.. yan ang banat!!!!
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
Mister: adik talaga ako dito sa alimango
Misis: naku ingat ka sa cholesterol niyan!!! may kilala ako sa tondo na kumain ng tatlong matatabang alimango na puro aligue habang nakikipaginuman
Mister: talaga!!! tapos ano nangyari??
Misis: lumabas lang siya sandali para jumingle ayun bigla na lang bumulagta patay na!!!
Mister: inatake sa puso??
Misis: hindi, sinaksak ng adik!!! marami talagang loko dyan sa Tondo!!!
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
Pedro: ang galing ng lolo ko hindi nag-uulam tuwing almusal!!!
Juan: ano ba yang lolo mo!!! lolo ko gatas lang ang almusal!!!
Totoy: ano ba yang mga lolo nyo?? mga patay gutom!!! lolo ko hinde na nagaalmusal
Pedro at juan: bakit?? sino ba yung lolo mo??
Totoy: ang lolo ko ay si eagleman!!! hindi nagbrebreakfast si eagleman!!!
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
kakaiba na talaga ang tao ngayon
nasa loob ako ng church kanina
nasa harap ko ang isang babae
at the middle of the mass she lights a cigarette
nashock ako!!!
natapon ko tuloy ang redhorse ko!!!!
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Boy to his crush
Boy: alam mo ba hindi tayo tao hindi rin tayo hayop??
Girl: huh?? eh ano tayo??
Boy: BAGAY tayo...
Naks hahahaha....
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Spanish Poem
el papa la bomba
y mama de cama
tres beses birada
contodo romansa
el papa pagod na
la mama gusto pa
el papa tacas na
porque te-te lambot na
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
Mansanas pantalon,
ang sapatos may buhok(may buhok)..
lahat sila nakatingin na sa iyo (sa iyo)
Ay nadapa! (ay nadapa)
bigla bigla, nagspageti pababa ba ba ba ba...
Pawis na at kupas, ang sapatos may sintas(may sintas!!)
paikot ikot puwet pinalong malakas(malakas!!)
Ay nadapa(ay nadapa)
Bigla bigla nagspagetti pababa ba ba ba ba....
"low"- flo rida
tagalog version
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
Binata: ale, liligawan ko po ang anak nyo
Ale: wag muna, nag-aaral pa siya
Binata: Sige po kapag uwian na lang nila!!! :)
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
makabagong kasabihan:
"aanhin mo ang taong maganda...
kung siya ay pumapangit pag katabi ko na?!!"
☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻☻
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